my phone needs a breathalizer
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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