You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
