Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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