You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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