Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
