My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
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