Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
