my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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