remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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