So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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