Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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