dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
