I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I hate all girls vehemently.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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