Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
