barbara walters just said penis...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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