it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
