I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
