My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
