1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
