yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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