The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
