maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
