Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
