I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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