Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
