I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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