Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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