Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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