I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
