I just threw up on my dentist
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
