Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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