does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
