I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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