I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
