did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
