Tell her she can't have a vagina
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
God, I missed his penis.
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