how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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