im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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