Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
