I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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