I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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