Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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