i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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