I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize