Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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