The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
