I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
