It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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