I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
