I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
