i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize