He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
