Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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