Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize