Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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