I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
