dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
