I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize