You can't motorboat a personality
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
