Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
