Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
