God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
