I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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