True but thats because hes a fetus.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
