Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
