Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
