did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
