Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
