I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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